Written in RED

Your girl’s been crying a lot lately. 

And I’m not talking the romantic ‘stare out the window as a single tear rolls down your cheek’ type of cry.

I’m talking, sliding down the wall, clutching my chest, fighting for breath, puffy eyes, sobbing.  

And whilst I don’t love that for me, I have found the whole ordeal quite therapeutic. 

I’m writing this as I take my bi-weekly train journey into the city to visit family. I’m listening to ‘Human Nature’ by Michael Jackson (which is one of the most beautiful songs in existence, I don’t make the rules) and surprise surprise I’m crying. 

I am a big believer in crying – be that happy, sad, angry, frustrated or overwhelmed tears. The bodies ability to combine all of that emotion and turn it into salty specs fascinates me. But not as revolutionary as the fact that crying actually works?!?!?! Like, no matter what, after a cry fest you are 1000% guaranteed to feel better which is why it’s a practice I encourage everyone to take part in. It just seems like lately I’ve been crying alll theee timeee.  

I don’t want to worry anyone. I don’t think I’m depressed and it doesn’t seem to be a hormonal thing (tmi but I get more irritated than upset during that time), but nowadays any little thing can set me off. 

• Emotional part in a tv show = tears
• Listening to a sermon = tears
• The bows at the end of a play = tears
• Scrolling through pictures from a recent holiday = tears
• Accidentally order a pizza with tomato base instead of the certified elite barbecue base…you guessed it, big ole tears. 

Thinking rationally, I know I’m in a transitional period in my life right now and with that comes the weight of so many unmade decisions. What type of woman do I want to be?, what career speciality do I focus on, what is my purpose on this earth… you know just surface level stuff.

“So many potential versions of me to pick from and yet I feel like I’m in a mental, spiritual and physical cross roads”

When I think about those things, I feel nervous yes, but more excited, not emotional….its all the other seemingly mundane life events that get me worked up.

It’s so interesting how we may feel fine in our minds but our body is not.

Which has got me thinking about what types of situations deserve our tears.

I believe that all feelings are valid but…Actually no, that is a fact in itself. All emotions are valid full stop. If you feel something you feel it. However, (perhaps a fancier word for ‘but’ but shhhh), I don’t think that excuses you from making sure your emotions are safeguarded and in retrospect that has been something I have been pretty rubbish at.

Take for instance one of my more recent cry fests which was due to a JOB – can you even believe it? How dare a place of employment cause me to get in such a state. It actually makes me sick to write about it but anyway, short story shorter: I was volunteered for a side project at work. I wasn’t taught how to do it therefore I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t ask for help. I got overwhelmed. I had several private emotional breakdowns. And yes I accomplished the task but at what cost? 

Being a black woman in white corporate I hear the quiet whispers of every black ancestor in my ear on a daily basis, telling me:

“Don’t make a fuss” 

“Don’t seem incapable“

“Don’t draw attention to yourself”

“Don’t do too much”

“DON’T FUCK IT UP” 

And so despite of my own needs I smile and nod while those who get paid way more to do way less benefit from my own emotional disregard. 

If I were to cry about anything it should be how sad that is! 

And on the complete opposite side of the spectrum is crying over things I can’t control which is essentially anything and everything outside of myself.

What a dang shame.

I truly love the saying “Do everything you can and give God everything you can’t”. Somewhere along the ups and down of life I forgot that it’s not just a cute saying but something I should be practicing. It’s verrrry evident that I alone, do you not have the capacity, resource, or know-how to regulate my own emotions and so I will need something outside of myself to help me. Makes sense to ask the person who created me for some insight into how I can do that correctly.

“If your gadget breaks down, you don’t talk to it about a fix, you go straight to the manufacturer”

So, to eloquently summarise….girl I don’t have a clue lol.

I’m still figuring it out, still giving space to my emotions, whilst trying to understand what does, and certainly does not deserve my tears.

Here’s hoping that with a little more input from God and a little less self governing from me, I just might make it through?

I guess we’ll see.

-RED